This post is a request from my Mum (hey, Lizzie!). Today I was home with Mum, feeling a bit lousy. I have a bit of a virus going on but you have to look at the positives so it meant I was able to get out a couple of DVD’s and watch them in the middle of the day. How indulgent! I was watching a DVD about dancing and Mum came up to me with a sticky note that said….
“How do you come to terms with NOT being able to do what you love….. e.g. DANCING!”
This is what Mum wants me to post about. Here’s the thing…. I love dancing. Always have, always will. I did dance lessons as a little girl. I used to spend hours dancing to Dire Straits after primary school. I used to dance around in the shops to a groovy tune (much to my friends embarrassment!). When I was legal age, I was way more excited about being able to go dancing all night then going out to drink. Put on a song that has a funky beat and my body just cannot help but move! I LOVE IT!
I never had any plans on being a dancer professionally but it is something that is as natural to me as breathing. So one of the hardest things that I have had to get used to was losing the ability to dance for more then a couple of minutes with out having a massive coughing fit. I can go a bit longer if I limit the more energetic stuff but ultimately I can not do it in any form for more then a few minutes without becoming quite short of breath. I then have to sit down and watch the other people groove away and that is worse then the coughing fit. I just want to groove along too!
My progression from crazy, happy dancing to dance, cough, cough, happened quite quickly and it truly stunned me when I realised that I was no longer able to dance more than a conservative groove around the house. When it hit me, I felt sadness. I actually felt a bit of what I can only describe as grief. It was like a huge billboard saying: Girl, you are SICK! And I knew it was true.
I was assessed for a double lung transplant as I was really sick, I remember that I was so bombarded with statistics, medical talk and huge emotional issues. I had a feeling of dread about it all even though I knew it would be my only chance at more time with my family once I got too sick. I was really scared. REALLY SCARED. One day I was sitting in hospital and Mum and I must of been talking about transplant and what a difference it would make in my life if I pulled it off and it hit me…… holy cow, if it did work then I would be able to dance again! Woo hoo! I thought that it was lost to me to be able to boogie around! Isn’t it funny when you are in the most dire of places the things that make your heart sing! I was thrilled that a successful transplant would give me more time with my beautiful family and I was just as thrilled that I might, just might be able to spend it with them dancing! Double woo hoo!
Since then I have, thankfully, gotten alot better. It still amazes me that I am off oxygen and can do things on my own again. I can even have a little groove here and there. And now when I think of the future and start to feel nervous about transplant again I think two things…… FAMILY and DANCING!
So… Mum, yes, I do miss dancing but it is something that I have gotten somewhat used to not being able to do. Yes, for a while it was a reminder of what I was missing but now it is something that I think of with HOPE! At the end of day I know how important it is to look for something that lifts my heart rather than live always thinking of what I have lost. Every body living with Illness or Injury will come across something that they that cannot do, something that they love, all the advice I can offer them is look for something to celebrate about the thing you love. I still love dancing despite being unable to do it. I get pleasure from movies and TV shows about it. I still listen to music and shuffle about. It is about making your heart sing and not being dragged down by disappointment. That is a lot easier said then done, I know that for sure but if Chronic Illness makes me anything, its persistent! Keep trying to celebrate, it will eventually come naturally!
I hope that this is a suitable explanation!
All the best (and keep on DANCING!), Lily
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